Fatherhood?

I had to go to my son's school the other day. the reason isn't that important to the story, so we will skip that. Going to his school is always something of an adventure for me for a couple of reasons.

I have some issues around school. My own experience in Elementary school were less than positive. Junior high, on the other hand, was far worse. High school was bad too, but it started to get better towards the end. Junior high was the height of many negatives in my life. I got teased a lot and felt like everyone was against me.

That was many years ago. That was another Junior High School. Still, I have to keep reminding myself of this every time I walk into those halls.

In fact my status at my son's school is very different, not just because I have gone from being an awkward kid to an adult and a parent. I have also become a minor celebrity. I am "Forest's dad". I doubt any other father hears "That's so and so dad." whispered in hushed tones of awe as they pass by. But then again I don't think any of the other father's in that school are women either.

Of all the strange roles and situations that a transgender person finds themselves in, this is perhaps the oddest. I try to live out the role as graciously as possible. I walk in, smile, hold out my hand and say, "Hi, I am Rachel, Forest's father." I get a few double takes are first, but the teachers and staff so far have been wonderful.


To my surprise, so have the kids. Early in my transition it was hard to walk into a school building and not see the faces of the kids that tormented me when I was young. But as I have gone on field trips, picked my son up after school and gone to conferences, I have gotten to know some of the kids. I am, to my surprise, one of the "cool" parents.

The kids have changed too. they no longer resemble the kids who once tormented me. They are just kids again. Kids that need role models. Role models that tell them they can be true to themselves and still find a way in this world. Role models that show that you don't have to be one of the popular kids to grow up successful and happy. I just hope that I can be that role model.

The Secret in Thai

Yeah, there it is. I found it in Seacon Square Mall in Bangkok. The Secret has penetrated as far as Thailand.

I have a love hate relationship with the secret. When I first read it I thought it was shallow. They sugar coat things, emphasizing the wealth you can get while minimizing the work part.

Later on I started to hang out with some new agers that were big on the Secret and I decided to give it a second look. I found that underneath the talk about wealth and money was a lot of good stuff about having gratitude for what we have and loving ourselves.

It is not as simple as saying "I want" and the universe providing. You have to really have an emotional attachment to the goal. You have to feel this huge positive warmth around what you want.

It also says that you should choose a goal so big, so incredible that when it comes you will have no choice but to believe. You will have no choice but to sit back and say, "Wow I did that!"

Then they talk about having a new car. Another guy talks about making money. I think; a)how does anyone get that excited about a new car? Sure it would be nice to have a good reliable car, but will it really change my life? b) how is that incredible. You go to the dealership and if your credit is good you sign on the dotted line. If not, well it's more work but how does anyone see that as impossible? It just didn't make sense to me.

So I thought, what would give me that feeling? What do I want so bad I can taste it? What do I want but think is impossible? the answer came swiftly, I wanted to be a woman. I had wanted this, to one extent or another, all my life but there had always been reasons why it wasn't possible or realistic. It seemed more sci-fi then reality.

Well here I am, three years later. I am now a post-op Transsexual woman. I did it. what about The Secret? I still find portions of it cheesy. I still find portions of it too simplistic. But I have no choice but to admit, it does work.

I am worried about getting pregnant

Before anyone says anything, I am aware that this is not possible. They improve the SRS surgery constantly. Each patient gets better results but they still can't replicate any of the internal parts, like ovaries or a womb. Trans-women can not get pregnant. I am still worried though.

You see before I had the surgery I would joke around with my best friend and with some of the women at work. They would point out the less savory aspects of being female, things like menstrual periods. I would in turn swear that there were three things about being a woman that I had no interest in experiencing. they were menstruation, menopause and childbirth.

Unfortunately the divine was listening and she has a sense of humor. In the weeks following my surgery I had complications. Nothing major in the long term, but anxiety provoking in the short term. And some what messy. I had more drainage than the average post op patient. The result was a crash course in feminine hygiene. I went from light days to heavy days to heavy days with wings. I am slowly moving back from  heavy days to light, to liners. I have ran the gambit of products.

As if that's not enough, I am not yet back on hormones. My doctor doesn't want to start them until I am able to be more active. The problem is that my initial surgery was almost six weeks ago now. Six weeks of no testosterone. this would be a good thing, but it's also close to two months since I last took estrogen, so I am essentially sans hormones in either direction. the result is menopausal symptoms. I have hot flashes, flushing, the works. I am shivering one moment and sweating the next. It's not dangerous, but it's definitely annoying.

so that only leaves childbirth. I am not really sure how the divine intends to make me experience this one. I am not sure I want to know. Don't get me wrong, I love my son. I just don't need another kid, and I don't want to have to squeeze it out.

So, Goddess, if you are listening; I'd like to skip this one.

Another kind of woman, introduction

Many people believe that the history of transgenderism begins with Christine Jurgensen's sex change in the early fifties. Few realize that transgender individuals have existed in every culture in history, and can be found in every part of the world.

Every culture has dealt with us differently, and every culture has called us by a different name. Native American tribes referred to gender ambiguous individuals as "two-spirits". In ancient times, before the medical technology for sex changes existed, there was a crude way of getting rid of an unwanted manhood. Indeed many of the so-called eunuchs of ancient times took female names and wore female clothes. In India some still exist in Hijra caste, individual considered neither male or female but something inbetween.

Thailand has perhaps the best known and infamous group, the kathoey or ladyboys. They are a significant part of the Thai nightlife. Traditional Thai festivals often feature what are essentially drag shows, beauty contests for Trans individuals.

For this blog I have chosen the more polite name Thai's give to transgendered women, Sao Praphet Song, another kind of woman. I like it because it both affirms our gender identity, but also acknowledges our unique path. We are women, and our trans brothers are men, we are just not quite the same kind of women or man that someone born in that body would be.

As I contemplated starting a new blog, this seemed a suitable title as well. I want to write about gender, politics and life. I want to write about these ideas from a unique perspective, my perspective. I am a forty year old transgender woman. Transgender is a broad term so I should be even more specific. I am transsexual, in that my personal road through life has included medical treatment to bring my body into alignment with my internal sense of self. I have taken hormones and had surgery.

I lived many years as a man. It didn't work for me, but I learned many valuable things from it. I lived in that inbetween space that scares so many who are unfamiliar with the trans community. I am now living as a woman.

As I read and write, learn and think about the world around me, I see it in a slightly different way than the average person. this is what I hope to be able  to share in this blog. I hope you enjoy the journey.